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DEAR DARTH VADER

Luke Skywalker

The Good Side

Darth Vader
Death Star, the Dark Side
Friday, 13-13-2013
Dear Darth Vader,

Recently I have found out that you are my father. I hope that with this letter, a great bondage could be formed between us. We could be a family. I would like to invite you to come to the good side.

                I know that you have been a very introverted, socially awkward and isolated man. It doesn’t have to be this way. You can choose to live your life, starting now. Don’t you want a soul mate? Don’t you want to feel loved? Don’t you want to be cared? Don’t you want to be happy?

                While in the good side, 60% of the populations are women, very attractive women, with curvaceous bodies, luminous eyes and hair and luscious lips. You might think that you’re betraying your wife by meeting other ladies, but in fact you are helping her by just accepting her death. Imagine your wife, up in heaven. Her restless soul constantly being burdened by the humongous weight you put on her.  Surely she doesn’t want to make you grief of her death. So don’t. Join me. Come to the good, great and wonderful side.

I have also noticed from our last battle that your reflex has decreased. I figured that it was because of the dim lighting in the Death Star. We have opticians here, eager to aid you, help you, and ease your life. They are qualified, and unlike the opticians in the Death Star, they have the equipments and supply to treat you. Don’t you find it irritating, how you lose every battle, because you can’t see your opponent? Oh, just one centimeter off. Oh, just five inches to the left. Aren’t you tired of those phrases hovering around your head like buzzing bees?

Not only do we have qualified opticians, we also have a large and reliable supply of electricity. We can even go to Ace Hardware together to purchase your reading lights; it will be a wonderful father and son bonding time. We even have special sword makers, who can make your light saber brighter. They can even change the color to become yellow, maybe even white. This will help you see your sword better. You’ll never lose a battle again. In fact recent statistics have shown that over 80% of the sword maker’s customers are satisfied with their products. You could be one of those customers! You have that power in your hands! I’ve heard that in the dark side, there is only one sword maker and that he will only work for 10.00 star bucks. In the good side, there are many sword makers, with a price ranging from 5.00 to 6.00 star bucks, up to 50% less.

Out of curiosity, this week I decided to clean up our house. I was surprised to find a family photo of you, mother, me and Leah. I thought what a shame, that you know have to live under a mask. I would imagine that the fight with Jedai master Shane must have left you in such shame of your appearance, deflating your spirits and confidence. Now, the latest dermatologists in the Good Side have found a solution for this, plastic surgery. It is the latest and safest innovation to change appearance. Around 99% of celebrities have used it. It is so popular that a thousand people must have had this surgery every second.  

Imagine having your high cheekbone, broad forehead and strong jaws back. How handsome, royal and bright you would look. You can have this. It is not impossible. Thousands of dermatologists have offered this treatment around the Good Side.

Before I knew you were my father, I had always guessed your profession.  I would endlessly dream that you could be an astronaut, a chef, a president, a billionaire or a Jedai. Anything I imagined. Then I came to realize, that you couldn’t be one thing, just a simple, ordinary father. Someone I could play baseball with, someone who would teach me how to play soccer or basketball and maybe even teach me to finish the hardest math equations. But you weren’t there. I won’t blame you for this. I would just like to tell you that it’s not too late. I would embrace you with open arms if you join me in the good side. 

Hope You Like It!